Spiritual Guidance Blog

I recently shared about some losses I was experiencing: loss of living with my life partner (as he was being transitioned into long-term care); loss of our home (as I was in the process of selling it); and loss of my livelihood (as the circumstances that were unfolding resulted in my stopping my majority of my work). As I walk my way through these losses, as I grieve, some interesting awarenesses are being brought my way.

First, my relationship with my life partner, the loss of living with my life partner due to him being transitioned into long-term care, is not what I am. Any relationship I am in with another is not me. We have a tendency to define ourselves by the relationships we are in. We become the relationship and / or the relationship becomes us. We can quite easily lose ourselves in the other, the relationship.

Our home, and all the material possessions contained within it, are not me. Like with relationships, we tend to identify with our material possessions. We can become so attached to our material possessions that we think it’s who we are. We identify with our material possessions. We allow them to define who we are. There’s an interesting paradox about our material possessions. We think we own things. In reality, our material possessions own us.

Lastly, my livelihood, my work, is not who or what I am. How often have you been at a social gathering, meet someone new, and, perhaps naturally, ask… “So, what do you do for a living?” The typical response might be, “I’m a teacher.” or “I’m a real estate agent.” or “I’m an office clerk.” Nothing could be further from the truth. We are none of these occupations, jobs, titles. Think about it!...are you REALLY a teacher, real estate agent, or office clerk? Is that what and who you are? I have often said of the work I do, I practice minister, but I am not a minister. I practice psychotherapy, but I am not a psychotherapist. And so on.

My relationships are not who or what I am. My material possessions, no matter how grand, are not who or what I am. My job is not who or what I am. Then what am I? The ancient teachers guide us to an awareness that ‘I am that which I seek.’ Or even more simply stated, ‘I am that.’ And non-dual teachings would simply say ‘I am.’

There is a beautiful teaching, “We don’t have to seek for what is true. But we do need to seek for what is false.” What is true is love, nothing more, nothing less. Love is the very essence, all and everything that we are. We don’t need to seek for it, for that is what we are. We do need to seek for what is false. In other words, we need to seek for the blockages to love in all its myriads of layers and permutations. It is only in seeking these blockages, becoming aware of these blockages, that we may learn to remove these blockages.

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.

This month offers another blessing and opportunity to share a teaching from my caregiving journey. For those of you following along over the past few years, you know my beloved partner lives with advanced stages of Parkinsons that is now presenting dementia. Last month I shared that my partner was hospitalized on at the beginning of May and will not be returning home, but will be transitioned into the long-term care system. These events have created a set of circumstances resulted in my decision to sell our home and find another place to live.

The process of letting go of my partner is the most intense stripping away of the unfolding experience. To know we will not be living together again has created some very deep emotional gashes. These events have initiated a process of saying goodbye to my loved one. As one door closed, another opens. But this closing door is very heavy at this time.

The process of preparing our home for sale is the most vivid, daily reminder of things being stripped away. Box after box of ‘stuff’ is being donated to charity or discarded. Clothes, books, cookware, pots, pans, plates, utensils, artwork, furniture, you name it, it is all being given away, stripped away.

Most of my work-related activities have abruptly ground to a halt. I am maintaining a bare minimum of activities related to my spiritual ministry. Other creative initiatives, however, have been cast off.

Social-related activities have also abruptly stopped. My passion of outdoor cycling has been put aside for now. I trust I will return to that beloved physical activity should Life want that to happen. I do maintain daily, physical exercise, but it’s mostly indoors. I do still enjoy my walks in the surrounding area. So all outdoor activity has not ceased.

The majority of what socializing I enjoyed has also been stripped away, as my time is primarily devoted to daily hospital visitation and preparing our home for sale. I am very blessed to have a few, dear friends who are compassionately checking in on me regularly and that I get together with for brief meetups to enjoy their company and compassionate support.

As I watch so much of my life being stripped away, there is a growing awareness of a purification-of-sorts unfolding. The material possessions mean nothing. While there are some things I have felt the pangs of emotional loss in letting go of, for the most part it is so cleansing to watch ‘stuff’ go out the door to what I hope are grateful recipients at the local charity donation centres. While I miss some of my work-related activities, it also feel some relief in letting some things go. I do feel a significant loss about not enjoying my days on my bike, but that too somehow feels appropriate at this time. I have a saying… ‘there is a time and place for everything in life.’ It’s not the right time to be doing that activity right now.

Yes, it’s painful to watch all this being stripped away. But this awareness of a purification-of-sorts unfolding is leaving me with some intriguing questions What will be left when I get through this? What will I look like? What will I feel like? What will remain? What will emerge?

Believe it or not, there is an intrigue about this unfolding process of stripping away. What could possibly be in store for me? What is life choreographing for me? Where is life leading me? What does life want for me? What is life GIVING me?

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.

Those of you who have been following my caregiving journey over the past months and years, know that I have served as the sole and soul caregiver for my partner who lives with advanced stages of Parkinsons and dementia. May brought about a new chapter in that caregiving journey.

One Saturday evening at the beginning of May, my partner experienced paralysis. He simply could not move, let alone get in or out of bed. Within 48 hours, we placed two 911 calls. The first call brought us to hospital emergency, only to be discharged 10 hours later, once his mobility returned. The second call brought us back to hospital emergency for the same reason (paralysis). Gratefully, a doctor who cared enough to take a more wholistic view of the situation, admitted my partner to the hospital for observation.

Over the following days, after a banter of tests, consultations, and assessments by neurologists, geriatricians, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, social workers, dementia specialists, and a cast of other well-meaning people in white lab coats, it was determined that my partner was not able to return home. My partner would be transitioned into the long-term care system.

The path into a long-term care home was not clear. It was possible my partner would remain in hospital for a few months before moving to a ‘transition’ facility, where he would wait for a bed / room to become available in a long-term care home. The wait in the transition facility, I was told, could be upwards to a year before a bed becomes available in a long-term care home.

The preceding events created a set of circumstances that resulted in having to sell our home and for me to find another place to live. I was able to sell our home quickly and moved in to an apartment in September.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I cannot remember life offering me such an emotional-charged set of circumstances. Yes, it felt stressful. Yes, I felt anxiety most days. Yes, things felt very dark. But…there is also light in the dark.

My daily visits with my partner in the hospital became a devotional practice. As challenging as the times felt, visiting my partner was an opportunity to practice compassion and to try, as best I could, to offer support to my partner during this end-of-life chapter of his life. It was an opportunity to, no matter how bad things looked, to put someone else’s needs ahead of mine; to get outside of myself at a time that tends to persuade you that it’s all about you!

My partner and I had some wonderful, tender moments in the hospital room. Amidst the decrepit, antiseptic-laden walls of a run-down hospital, these tender moments are etched in my mind and a vivid reminder that, in the end, all that really matters is love.

As I put one foot in front of the other each day, there have been numerous, not-so-little signs that all is in divine order; that life has aligned for me and that life has my back. Seemingly serendipitous events are commonly sharing their light with me and people are coming out of the woodwork to offer assistance and support—people I never would have thought would care-a-less.

I am grateful for my spiritual practice and never-more-aware how grounding and nurturing my devoted practice has become over the years. My devotional practice has brought with it a resolute faith that there are blessings in here for me. It is difficult to see them at this time. I too realize this is all happening for my good and that I will come through this enriched and grateful. I also accept and surrender to the awareness that I must GO THROUGH this in order to realize the blessings.

Devotion to my partner. Devotion to my spiritual practice. It is through this devotion that I am able to see the light in the darkness. And what a blessing that is!

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.

You may have a perfect life. You may have an answer for everything that happens in your life. You may have everything under control. If that’s you, wonderful! But for some, perhaps many, there may be times in your life when you don’t have the answers and nothing seems to be under your control.

I experience not knowing what to do all the time. This caregiving journey I am on provides me with such experiences every day. That’s right, at least once a day, I have no idea what to do. The continued cognitive decline of my partner leaves me not knowing how to deal with situations. Seemingly, life has not prepared me for this. I don’t have the answers. I simply don’t know what to do!

This past month has opened a blessed window for me when situations and circumstances arise for which I have no answers and/or don’t know what to do. I’ve learned that…I don’t need to do anything really. I’ve learned that I need to stop ‘trying’ to do anything. If I need to do anything, it’s to trust that life will take care of the situation for me.

To not do anything is counterintuitive. “Of course I need to do something!,” I try and tell myself. “I cannot allow this to go on this way. I have to DO SOMETHING!,” I try and convince myself. “If I don’t DO SOMETHING NOW, this is going to be disastrous.” My fear takes over and I become more and more afraid.

I have had plenty of practice at DOING SOMETHING, of DOING SOMETHING NOW! My fear drives me to act. My guilt drives me to take action!

This past month has allowed me to practice a new approach to being in those moments in life when I simply don’t know what to do. I step back, out of the way, and allow life to do what it needs to do for the betterment of all. And I’ve learned this approach has not failed me.

There is an old teaching… ‘Life doesn’t happen to you. Life happens FOR you.” When I allow life to do what it needs to do for the betterment of all, I allow life to happen for me. I drop my trying to control the unfolding. When I stop trying to control the unfolding, and surrender to the unfolding, when I allow life to just do what it needs to do, in effect to take care of itself, I have been amazed that everything works out fine.

It’s a very uncomfortable place / space to be in, however. This space of the non-knowing, this space of allowing, this space of not reacting, this space of trusting.

So much of our existence reinforces the messaging that we ‘should know what to do.’ But there may be times and experiences in our lives when that is simply not the case. These times call for us to acknowledge we don’t know what to do and turn the situation over to life to take care of. It’s not a show a weakness or failure. On the contrary, it’s a show of great strength and courage! To acknowledge you don’t have the answers and allow the solution to be shown to you, takes courage beyond anything you will have demonstrated before.

When you simply don’t know what to do, stop! Let go of your need to fix or solve this problem. Allow life to show you the way. That’s when it will all work out just as it’s intended to.

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.

With the myriad of emotions raging through my psyche on a daily basis, I find it helpful to go for walks each day. Some days I get out for only a minute. Other days I am able to enjoy long walks of 10+ kms. I think of all my walks as respite.

Whenever possible, I allow my walks to take me through forests or along waterways. These two elements of nature I find very nurturing, lifegiving, and rejuvenating. I consider myself very lucky to live within a short walk of some beautiful wooded trails that meander along a major river—just perfect for my healing sojourns.

Just one of the things I marvel about the trees, bushes, shrubs, and thickets along the way is the very nature, the very essence, of their being. Regardless of the weather conditions, the flora just ‘is.’ The trees, bushes, shrubs, and thickets don’t complain about anything going on around them. I wonder…does flora even have emotions? A cursory review of literature about such matters suggests that while plants lack a central nervous system, and don’t have the same ‘feelings’ that we do, flora does appear to remember stimuli and communicate with other plants about this stimulus.

Another major observation I have of flora is the ease with which it coexists with all other flora around itself. Yes, there are cases of flora moving into areas, or encroaching on ecosystems, and choking out other plant life. And there are many examples of certain flora thriving in some conditions better than others. But for the most part, flora effortlessly coexists and even supports each other. No fighting. No bickering. No arguing. Just peaceful coexistence.

When the flora’s material-world-journey has come to an end, flora simply lays itself down and allows itself to transform. There is no suffering. There is only surrender and acceptance. Will I be so graceful in my transformation?

Flora is the most vivid symbol of life as we know it. We watch it being born, from the tiniest of seedlings. We watch it grow. We watch it move in and out of hibernation, through the different seasons. Each year it shows new growth, new strength, new perseverance. Eventually, we watch it rot and decay, and give its life for the benefit of all that surrounds it. From its death, new life abounds. The circle of life is never more gracefully evident than in nature.

Flora is only ever in the present moment. There is an awareness that flora does not hold on to the past. No grudges. No grievances. All is forgiven. There is no planning. No future state to fantasize about. No desire, or even need, to be anything other than in the present moment.

The trees, bushes, shrubs, and thickets know what to do, when they need to do it. I am writing this passage on the cusp of Spring. In a few weeks, the trees will likely be budding (let’s hope!) and flowers will be blooming. All the flora knows exactly when it’s times to begin bursting into foliage. Whether it’s the light or the temperature, or a combination of both, flora knows when the time is right! They just know!

So…what can I learn from trees?

•           Simply be.
•           Coexist in harmony with everything around me.
•           Surrender and accept life on its terms.
•           Move gracefully through the cycle of life.
•             Let the past go. Forgive everything!
•             Know when it’s the right time to do anything and everything.

Trees teach me a lot!...for which I am grateful.

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.